I always imagined I would be a great mom! I mean, a really great mom. The one whose kids’ friends called mom. The one whose children could talk to about anything, comfortably! The mom who gave the best advice at just the right time…I always knew I would be a young mom. I never knew what career I would be great at or what job I was meant to retire from…but I always knew I was meant to be a mom.
I have PCOS. I know it’s such a waste of energy to go through ALL THE DIFFERENT “what ifs,” but it’s almost impossible not to. I am a woman, the most natural and womanly thing one can do is make a baby…Deliver a baby…”Why would God take that away from me???” All of these thoughts are constantly running through my mind. Almost every day. However, I am going to say, I have actually been doing a really good job staying on the positive side of this; eating right, taking the medications, tracking my cycles…all that “Fun” stuff. But I still have my weak moments. I still have questions I want answered and questions I haven’t even got to ask yet!
Today is one of those days…one of my weak moments. Today I can’t help but get jealous of ALL the women out there who get pregnant without trying, angry at all the parents out there who don’t deserve the love of a child, the ones who are selfish and abusive and are just pure disgraces to parenthood…I know I could ask all my life why each of those people had it so easy getting pregnant but I will try my hardest not to. But I can’t say I will stop crying about it, because I will not.
Today is one of those days. And tonight is one of those nights. I cannot sleep. I cannot rest. I can only cry. I know I am not the only woman in the world with this problem and I know there are women out there from all different walks of life who have much bigger problems than this, pertaining to having a family…but in these moments that is not helpful. In these moments that almost makes me more terrified.
This is all still very new to me as I was just diagnosed with this “syndrome” a month ago. And as of today, all I can think about is, “Why me? Why now?! How?! Who am I going to be if I can’t have kids?! What is the rest of my life and my husbands life going to be like if I can’t have kids?! What if I can’t give him a baby made of our own flesh and blood…?” He deserves that much from me…I’m his wife….that’s my job…my One job, to give him his family. But WHAT IF I CAN’T?!
Now I know PCOS is not a disease and it’s not a death sentence. It’s polycystic ovarian syndrome. Basically, my body doesn’t know what to do with the insulin I take in, causing a build up of too much insulin in my body, causing these follicular cysts to form in my ovaries…I don’t know what the statistics are right now, all I know is it makes it so much harder to get pregnant and have a healthy full term pregnancy (I’m no expert on the matter yet, so bear with me as this is my understanding of it from my doctor and my own research).
Lately, I find myself wondering if I’ve been doing this to myself over the years. If this is my fault and my fault alone…no blame on genetics, no blame on the “luck of the draw,” but simply me not taking care of my body for so many years and now this is what I’ve done to myself…they don’t tell you that when they ever so gently break the news to you…I feel as though it was implied…whether by my pure imagination or not, that I don’t know.
I would love to have all of the utmost confidence in the world about this…I would love to say, “PCOS, I’m going to make you my bitch!” I would love to believe that and feel that…but I think it’s still just too early for me. I think this is all still just too new. I hope that in the next few months to come, I can make that statement and say it with out any doubts or fears. I know that only time will tell with these things, but unfortunately I’m about the least patient person in the entire universe and this waiting game is no fun for me!