The Word “Hatred” and Me

First off let me start by apologizing to ANYONE AND EVERYONE I may have ever asked the question, “So when will you be having a baby?!?” (Although, I honestly can’t recall ever saying that to anyone). Because after being diagnosed with PCOS I have painfully come to realize how real infertility is and how horrifying questions, like that, can be to a woman/couple having trouble conceiving! And for that I am terribly sorry.

Secondly, I really hate how my brain instantly goes to Negativity Town whenever anything that has to do with babies and pregnancy comes up around me. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me to be  constantly beating myself up about this but it’s also not fair to those around me…it’s not their fault, they don’t even know how uncomfortable those conversations are for me right now! And unfortunately, I’m not ready to share this news with most of them. 

I really hate that something that used to be so exciting and amazing for myself and my husband to think about and talk about has turned into a subject we both feel like we need to tip toe around now. I hate how my brain is switching from happy to depressed in a matter of seconds. I hate that I can’t change the way I’m feeling about this right now.

 But I think if I’m being honest with myself, I know this is going to be a process and a challenge. I know I am going to be angry and sad at times and that I can still be happy for my friends and family. I know nothing is impossible. Although, my brain has a hard to remembering that sometimes!! 

I feel as though I am beginning to accept the process and time this is going to take, just to get used to living with PCOS. I am a very impatient person so this life is not going to be enjoyable, at times, and will most assuredly be difficult most of the time. I know, eventually, I will need to work on finding happiness and peace with this but now is not that time. Now is the time I am allotting myself to grieve, to hate, to cry, and to struggle. Not because I think that is the healthiest choice but bc I know it is going to happen either way and I’m not going to waste my energy trying to fight with that truth. And I do think it’s okay for me to be feeling this way and thinking these things. 

I think it’s only natural and normal. I think I deserve to have my weak days and my angry moments. I do think this is unfair and I don’t want to hear that “life is unfair.” I do think this feels an awful lot like a punishment and I don’t want to hear “everything happens for a reason.” I do believe I will have a child one day…but I do not know how or when. And right now, that is frustrating. Right now, realizing I may never experience pregnancy or labor or breastfeeding or even post partum depression, is hurting me. 

The simple fact that it is likely I will never experience those things angers me. Feeling like my doctors may just be giving me a false sense of hope angers me. I am terrified these days. More terrified than I’ve ever been in my life. The kind of terrified where your heart feels like it is in your stomach and you could throw up. The kind of fear that brings about an anxiety attack in a matter of seconds because you have no idea what to do with your life! Where you feel like you need a small paper bag to breathe into and you just know your going to “ugly cry” like never before…This SUCKS. It just. fucking. sucks. 

The word”hate” enters my mind A Lot while I’m writing this. While I am hating a lot of things right now, I am trying very hard Not to use that word in  reference to myself or my body at all…and Belive Me it is Not Easy!! BUT, I think I am doing a good job! It is a difficult task but an import any one I believe! And I guess I will end this random, heavy, post on that positive note…Until next time, which could be in a matter of days or just a matter of hours…

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