How Embarassing!

Alright, we here we go. It finally happened….Mother Nature has made her most uncomfortable and torturous arrival. After NINE DAYS of waiting and misguidance!!! It’s been, probably, years since my cycles have been this painful and to top it off this just confirms my fears, I’m NOT PREGNANT. Imagine that! 

What am I suppose to do with this?! I know there are many women out there with PCOS that never have periods which makes it that much more impossible for them to get pregnant. BUT trust me when I say, being in THIS MUCH PAIN AND it not even being made worth while by allowing us to conceive THAN WHAT IS THE FREAKING POINT?!?! How is THAT ANY better than never having to experience this much pain??? 

We’ve been trying for almost a year to conceive, which means I’ve been dealing with the pains of having a period almost twelve times! Listen, when I was younger my periods were SO BAD I ended up in the ER every month! It got to the point I was afraid to go back to the ER for ANYTHING bc they started making accusations that I was only there looking to get drugs!!!! Can you even Imagine that?! You’re in more pain than these people can understand and they have the Nerve to accuse you of FAKING IT FOR DRUGS! Now, keep in mind this is when I was a teenager, still living at home, and My Parents were the ones bringing me into the emergency room every time! Do we REALLY Think MY LARENTS would be bringing me into the ER to drug me up….FOR GOD SAKE MY MOTHER WORKED THERE!!!!! FOR YEARS! They knew us!!!! 

Therefore, I started taking my birth control in three month increments so I only had my period three times a year. Now that I have been off my birth control for about 11 months my periods are starting to get worse and worse each time! Terrifying me that they may continue like this and I’ll end up in the ER each time again! They are simply unbearable and they make me want to get my tubes tied immediately! 

This, of course, makes me want to cry because I feel like such a weak woman. If I can’t handle a bad period how would I handle labor pains?! But then I remember that after the labor you get a beautiful, wonderful gift, after period cramps you get more cramps and bleeding for seven days….Which is more worth while?!…Id say a BABY! These are the times I HATE being a woman! 

And so now it begins again. By struggle with keeping my faith in God and his ability to work a miracle in our life vs. the utter fear of getting a horrible period every month and not even being able to conceive anyways! I just Wish I could understand why I’m being tortured like this?! It hurts me to think that God thinks I’m not ready to be a mom or that he may not have it planned for me to Ever carry a child and give birth….it just breaks me. 

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