I have PCOS. I do not have excessive hair growth. I do not have problems with losing weight, or gaining it for that matter. I have a period every month. I eat the low carb/low sugar/low GI diet. I am already happily married. I have two furbabies who make me so happy and I am a homeowner in a beautiful city.
I do not have a baby. We have been trying to conceive for 11 months. I have had excruciatingly painful periods every 35 days and they last for 5-6 days each time. I have weighed the same weight since I was a freshman in high school and I’m almost 25. My entire life I have been told I am too skinny and need to gain weight so I will be “healthy for a pregnancy”….mostly by my own mother. I have been happily married for almost two years and our families have been pressuring us to have a baby. Even after telling my parents I have PCOS they STILL pressure me.
I receive constant Facebook posts and e-cards about how our parents can’t wait to be grandparents. About how my grandparents aren’t getting any younger and they want great grand babies.
It feels like every month a different one of my friends is finding out they’re pregnant. Some of them without trying. Some of them were only trying for a few months. The more I see this the harder my condition becomes for me.
I have Faith that God will provide my husband and I with a child One Day…but the longer it takes the less faith I have. I am a Christian woman who is proud to admit it. I am embarrassed to admit I’m losing faith Already. I am fighting this battle in my heart all alone. I know I am the only one who can change the way I think. I realize the differences between my life with PCOS and most of the other women’s lives with PCOS. I realize some of you may look at me and tell me to be thankful that this syndrome is not having a different effect on me…like it may be having on you.
We all wish we had someone else’s problems sometimes. I’m fully aware of that. I try my hardest to remind myself that the grass is not always greener on the other side, but it is greener where it is watered. Today is day two of my period. I was nine days late and had more hope than ever that I was pregnant. How do you go five months off birth control and have a regular period every 35 days and then all of a sudden be late by NINE days…And still No pregnancy?!
PCOS. That’s how. That is the torture that is polycystic ovarian syndrome. That is the torment that is a regular period monthly. That is the constant disappointment that PCOS contributes to my life.
I try to remind myself that God has this All Planned out. That He Already Knows. That my God blesses those who are faithful to Him. But IT IS HARD. So Hard!
As I’m sure you all have noticed I have extremely good days. Where my faith in God is Strong and unwaiving. Then I have these days. I know it probably makes me sound hypocritical and I apologize if that’s the case. But I am Only Human. I am not perfect and my God is the Only One who is. Therefore, I accept that I must TRY to remain powerful in my faith. I accept that I must TRY to have hope in such difficult times. And I accept that it is not My plan that is going to play out in My life.
I will work on accepting that all good things take time. I will work on accepting that I have no control over the how or when we will become parents. And I will work on accepting that my life is not under my control.
But I Cannot accept that I may never be a mother. I will not accept that I may never be able to give my husband the family he’s always wanted. And I Refuse to accept that My God may Not be A Giver of Miracles. Because I have seen miracles on Earth and in my life. I have witnessed miracles in the first person, not just in the pages of a book or on the big screen. I will fight these tears as they fall down. Every step of the way. I will not give up without a fight. Because I have Never wanted Anything more in my life.