I Feel Nauseas…

First off let me start by prefacing this with the question, Does it make me a terrible friend if…

I am mad that my friend got pregnant without trying. (Obviously I’m not mad at her and I would never tell her that I was bc it’s my own problem not hers). 

I am mad that my friend is still a little in denial that she’s pregnant. (She had a look of horror on her face when she saw her baby in the ultrasound machine for the first time…) I don’t know why exactly but her look of fear bothered me so much. 

I am bothered by the fact that she isn’t going to the doctor like she should be during her pregnancy. 

And it upsets me that she is so scared.

I know that she has every right to feel those feelings and that she was in a totally different place in her life when they found out the were pregnant. And I Hate that I’m feeling this way. But o think today is just one of those days for me. 

We have a lot going on at home and financially that is stressing me out and making me wonder if Now is the right time for us to try IUI. I am not where I wanted to be career wise in life and that is very stressful for me. 

And if I’m being Brutally honest with you guys, I’m afraid that without being a mom, I won’t know who I am as a person. Like, don’t get me wrong I know what makes me happy in my life as is but there has never been anything in my life that I greatly excelled at or enjoyed so much that I thought I could turn it into a successful career. And I fully understand that having a job does not define you. But not having a job I feel good about all the time, sometimes makes me feel worthless and useless. Bc I do a job anybody could do, whether I accel at it or not, doesn’t make me feel better about it. 

I also know that realistically we could never afford a comfortable lifestyle with children if I stay at the job I’m at now. We can barely make it through the month with just two mouths to feed…I also feel bad because I think I sometimes make my husband feel like it’s all up to him to make enough money for our family. A lot of the times I catch myself saying, “man I wish you made enough money so I could be a stay at home mom.” And then on the other side of it I feel like the money problem is all my fault because I make diddly squat for income and I don’t have a degree (I basically wasted five years worth of student loans on college for nothing) and I can’t get a “real job.” 

So I gues to sum this all up. I feel like Crap today and am basically just going to be freaking out all day! Yippee…so basically I’m just plain envious of my friend. And I should probably stop thinking this way, but for now I’m going to wallow just a little.

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