Okay, let me start by telling you how horrible my work day was yesterday. Every one at work found out about my friend/coworker’s unexpected pregnancy. And Everyone was doting over her all freakin’ day. I had to go to the bathroom and cry at like 8:30 in the morning because my friend responded to someone’s comment, “…I never really wanted kids so yeah at first it (the pregnancy) was hard to get used to.”
Now, anyone that reads my posts is probably already aware that this comment set me off (refer to previous post about things pregnant women should stop saying). Which leads me to my first thing in the morning, bathroom cry. Let me tell you, this was not a cute little tear drop rolling down my cheek as I batted my eyes. No, this was full on ugly crying and sobbing, with tissues in the nose and red-faced by the end of it all, crying.
I know, I know! What an ugly picture!
So that was my morning. And basically fighting the tears while on the job the rest of the day. I had to make myself leave the room that she was in any time someone talked to her. And bc of my “luck” I ended up working with just her most of the day!
But I did it! I fought the tears the rest of the day…until about 4 o’clock when I decided I was done for the day. I could not take any more ooohing and awing over her. So I left early.
I held it together until I got about half way home…that’s when the hubby called me. He was talking about what a bad day he had and how exhausted he was. I told him, “I know it. I had a bad day too.”
But did he listen? No.
Does he ever Really listen? Not really.
BUT that’s okay. Because I called him again when I was almost home and he could tell I had been crying. (Crying in the car and screaming out terrible things like, “They don’t deserve it!” “What did I do to deserve this?!” “We did everything right!!!” ecetera ecetera).
I know, I sound like a horrible person for saying those things about my “friend.” But before you judge me, just take into account I was having a bad day. And I do love my friend and would never wish anything negative or bad upon her.
I’m just green with envy and red with angry jealousy. So, yeah, not in a very good mental place right now. Don’t get me wrong, I have not let my friend onto the fact I’m upset over her happy news. I’m not that bad of a friend. And that’s part of the reason I’m writing about this, because I feel so damn guilty for feeling these awful things and having these awful thoughts!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware these feelings are normal for anyone struggling with ttc. I hate that I’m on this emotional roller coaster ride. I hate that I can’t share this with someone close to me. But I’m just not ready to do that yet. I have a couple friends who know about our struggle but this experience can make you feel so isolated! I hate that! I hate that I’m doing this to myself! I hate that I have low days. I hate that I have such negative thoughts. But it’s all part of the ride, right?
So, what do I do now? Well, I suck it up for now. I move on to the next day with a positive attitude and good vibes. I work on accepting these things that I cannot change. And I cry. I cry whenever I want and for however long I want. I cry in my hubby’s arms until I feel like I can’t possibly cry anymore.
I cried that night when I got home. I cried myself out, to the point I had no energy left and no desire to use any brain power the rest of the night. I think that this was one of my lowest days ever. I think my hubby could feel that.
He was so wonderful. He didn’t try to talk me out of my feelings. He didn’t ask me to stop crying. He didn’t tell me, “everything will be alright” or “everything happens for a reason.” He just held me. He took care of me and just loved me.
If there is anything I can take away from this it is that my marriage is Strong. My husband is amazing. And we are learning every day together, how to deal with this struggle. I can be thankful for that at the very least. And I am beyond thankful for him, always.
I will continue to pray. I will continue to cry. And we will not stop trying.
I will also continue to write/vent as much as I need to. I am thankful for this online community and every one of you that reads my posts. It has been a big part of my journey through PCOS and TTC and I will forever be thankful for that.
Until next time…