So it’s been a few weeks since our (first) visit to Dr. S. (the fertility specialist). In my last post I mentioned my hubby’s struggle with the idea of fertility treatment and his lack of interest in making any decisions. Since then he has been more open to discussing our options and starting the process of making the right decision together. It seems he just needed some time to process everything and while he may still be struggling with deciding on What He Thinks is best for us (as am I) he IS thinking about it. Which is a good start to me. So this is great news!
I cannot blame him for struggling with a decision. Afterall this is probably he biggest decision we’ll ever have to make. It is not something we are taking lightly. (Also because there is nothing Cheap about the fertility treatment journey)! Therefore, I am also struggling to make a decision. I want to respect my husbands feelings and opinions but I also want us to be on the same page with this decision and so far we cannot come to an agreement. I worry that he is looking at this from the wrong perspective, either the money side of it or the…egotistical side of it, as a man.
Let me clarify this for you. See my hubby feels I just need the injectable meds to give my body the push it needs to ovulate correctly and I feel as though if we’re going to do any fertility treatment why not just go with the more likely option of getting pregnant of the two choices. I say two choices because we did both agree that IVF was not the path for us, at least not at this point. So we are left with Injections and/or IUI. I want to do both as it increases our chances by like 40% and he wants to just do the meds and try the “old fashion way (for lack of a better term).
Obviously this means we need to have another conversation about this. I am concerned he is thinking it’s an extra $650 he doesn’t want to spend AND he doesn’t want to have to give another a sperm sample, as he told me how “weird” it was when he had to do that…which I can appreciate!
Hell, I’ve told y’all in previous posts I didn’t think I’d be able to go through with an IUI because it seems like it would feel too unnatural to me. But that was also when the idea of fertility treatments, in general, felt so surreal! So basically we still haven’t decided anything BUT we are talking about it, which feels pretty wonderful. I am currently trying to work on not rushing myself or us into making any decisions about this but it’s hard when I hear that I could be pregnant in a month or two if we go through with one of these!
Not to mention, today was a little difficult. At church this morning we “celebrated” Mother’s Day. And I (along with all the other INfertile myrtles in our church) was reminded of just how painful this day can be! I mean literally our Pastor (actually his wife spoke) so She actually said, “there are some women who find this day painful and difficult.” So yeah, literally reminded of that pain you feel when you really think about your infertility and ttc struggle. But it feels good knowing the hubby and I are in this together and that such a difficult experience is actually going to strengthen our marriage. It’s definitely working on strengthening me, as a woman, a wife, and a future parent.
I kept thinking this morning in church, “I can’t do this.” Just over and over again that negativity replayed in my head all morning, through the whole service. There were a couple times I thought about picking up my things and walking out of that door. I cried a lot this morning. I cried when she spoke about women being raised to strive for perfection. I cried when they sang a song and played a video from a mothers point of view of her kids. It was Very Difficult and extremely Painful to sit through. BUT I did. My hubby held me and I cried. But I did it. I listened to her words and I listened to the message. And I truly believe I am going to be Okay. And I am finally starting to feel calm. Calmness about infertility. Calmness about uncertainty and the lack of answers. And it feels good. I’m not completely over it. And I will cry about this journey again. But, as I said, I am working on myself now and my attitude down this long, winding, bumpy road. And I might even dare say I feel somewhat thankful.