So I found this quote the other day.
“It’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. Making you feel weak and tired. And yet you can’t even sleep ’cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It’s almost a sadness you can’t escape.”
So this quote is PRETTY accurate except I would like to change up a few of the words…it “leaves your heart aching,” yes. But your stomach feels more like a punch to the gut that leaves you unable to eat for weeks, therefore, slowly starving you to death.It is the, very literal, physical pain that drills the negativity and true hurt into your mind. It makes you feel like you’re being punished for something terrible you did in a past life. Something so horrible death was not a “good” enough punishment. Instead the big man upstairs thought it would be more appropriate to torture you for years…to make you feel less than. To make you think so negatively about yourself that you start questioning if life is even worth living anymore.
I know I can’t be the only woman who has thought about throwing herself into oncoming traffic because life’s not worth living if you can’t bare children. Don’t worry I’m not actually going to do that…I struggled with depression as a teenager and refuse to let myself sink so low ever again. But it has been a bit of a battle for me in recent months.
That’s actually the reason I’ve been kind of MIA from my site recently. I have been focusing my energy and down time to shift my mind to a more positive state. It has been working well, thusfar. I have been researching infertility scriptures, positive and insprirational quotes, and trying to shift my attitude and outlook on my life. I figure if I start living my life with focus on pleasing God and spreading His love than only good things can come of it. So far, I have a good track record with these changes…nothing is perfect but my attitude on the not so good things has slowly been improving.
What I have learned is that my God is not a Punishing God. That my King works for the good of those who love Him. This is a difficult journey we face. But that’s exactly what we must do. Face it.
About a year and a half ago the hubby and I decided to start TTC. I started taking an OTC women’s daily vitamin and immediately began having pregnancy dreams. It was not a prenatal so it was a very odd side effect! I must admit that it felt wonderful, although slightly overwhelming. Today when I think about those dreams, which still feel so real, I am left with mixed emotions.
I specifically remember in this dream, I was sitting up in my bed, looking down at my pregnant belly and I could just feel that I was glowing. Thinking about that beautiful dream, now brings a smile to my face initially. But, then, it brings a tear to my eye. So yeah, maybe this dream was a side effect of the vitamin I was taking. Or maybe it was a sort of premonition. I can’t say for sure. However, I believe that right now, He is working in me. He is working to prepare me to be a mom. Yes, some days it hurts to think that the Lord our God feels I’m not ready yet. But I think what he really feels is that He’s not finished with me yet. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t make a good mom today or that I would’ve have been unprepared last week. I think this means He is waiting for just the right time in my and my husband’s life.
Proof of this timing? The hubby and I finally got Baptized! Ive always heard that God’s timing is always PERFECT. Slowly, I’m understanding this-well accepting this. There is no understanding God.
He is beyond our comprehension. His plans are so perfect. Learning this lesson has taught me to hold on to my Faith. The faith I have been so desperately clinging to throughout this journey. And now? Now that I’ve strengthened my faith (though it is not as strong as it Should be yet) God has shown us an amazing glimmer of Hope!
Last month we finally went back to see the fertility doctor, Dr. S. I got my HSG done with all normal and promising results! Although this does mean my infertility is still pretty much unexplainable, my doctor has done a good job of helping me understand it and given the hubby and I some Hope!
He broke it down to explain that my menstrual cycles are abnormally long, and therefore make it difficult to time ovulation. Actually almost impossible to time my ovulation. So, where do we go from here?
Well we force my body to ovulate when we want it to…Kind of. What I’m saying is we move forward with IUI. Eeekk!!! Right?
Seriously though, I am very excited! Because the hubby and I have FINALLY come to a decision/agreement on the next step. So, now we wait!
You all know the drill. We wait on my next menstruation. I call them on day one. We go in for demonstration and get started on the meds! Yaaaayyy!!! I swear, I have never looked more forward to starting my period before in my life! Like nothing comes close! Also, I’ve never looked more forward to starting medicine/injections!
Obviously you can tell my mindset and outlook has changed tremendously in the last few months. I haven’t had a “bad day” in a while and that feels really good. I have been able to feel excited about pregnancy again and the possibility of starting our family in a matter of weeks. Don’t worry I have not allowed myself to jump to conclusions or lose grip on my reality. I’m fully aware there can be other complications throughout each step of the infertility process. I have not started buying baby clothes or anything like that. I swear! I’m just allowing myself to feel GOOD about my family’s future and looking ahead with a positive attitude again. So, I guess changing your attitude really can change your life. Sure, it may be small changes. And I may take weeks or even months to start feeling those changes. But, things Are Changing. And that is great motivation and inspiration.
Now I should have an Update for you to follow in a few weeks! Wish is luck, keep us in your prayers, please and thank you.