This hurts like Hell!

So my IUI was a little over a week ago. And I’ve had a migraine since the day after. It’s been an 11 day migraine. 

And know the stress has gotten to me. I’ve started my period. I feel like I’ve already lost ALL the powerful hope I had just a few days ago. Despite the migraine, I was doing a good job about staying positive about the likelihood of pregnancy. I was definitely stressed about POSSIBLY having a migraine for nine months straight. But now it’s looking like I am Not pregnant, yet again. And now I’m just completely depressed. 

How do you not go into a state of depression every single time you take a negative test? Seriously??  Or every time your period shows up when you don’t want it to? I really thought we had a Real Chance. Now I feel completely defeated. I realize there is still a small chance I’m pregnant. But I can’t help but fall straight tonrock bottom at this devastating realization-I mean they’ve been determining “Not Pregnant” for centuries simply by knowing women had their period- there weren’t always sticks to pee on…it probably doesn’t help I took a HPT about two days ago and it was negative. 

But I even did a good job about not letting that bother me, like at all, bc I knew it was still early. But let’s be real, is there really any denying the red blooded truth?! (Sorry that was gross- But I don’t really care at this point). 

I don’t understand how couples go through this for five and TEN years?! I honestly might would strangle myself before being capable of dealing with that Awful Idea of just holding onto Hope for So Long. 

And you want to know the worst part about it? I thought we were doing it all right. We were focusing our time and energy on others. We got baptized and were investing in our church and community. And not bc we thought it’s what we had to do. Or bc it’s what we thought we should do. We did it all to really try to become better people. So that we would be the best parents we could be! And we won’t stop doing it all. But it hurts. 

I just don’t know if I can keep doing THIS…bc THIS hurts. THIS physically hurts. I want to give up. And I totally realize this COULD be all a little premature- I don’t get the BPT until this Tuesday. But I’m having an impossible time believing THIS Can be happening when all signs point to a BFN! 

What do you do now?? How do you hold onto hope? Even for just a few more days??? How do you avoid the “What If” questions even for just FOUR MORE Days?!?!  

I’m hurting. So much. I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do now, or…next? How do I get out of this depression? Its happening so fast. I feel somewhat guilty for giving up at the first sign of failure. But it’s not my first rodeo. I’ve been here before and it’s been the same outcome each time. 

I mean isn’t the definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over again and still expecting different results? 

I’m hurting so much. And the hardest part is that I feel like there is nothing anyone can say to help me. I feel like I’m pushing the hubby away and he doesn’t know how to help me. I feel like he doesn’t understand and he never could. I feel pain. I feel failure. I feel defeat. I feel like a quitter. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m never going to accomplish anything in life, including the most important thing in the world to me. 

I’m afraid of never being able to look in the mirror at my pregnant belly. I fear never feeling a baby kick me from the inside. I fear never being the mom I’ve always known I was born to be. We’ve been going through this for so long I’m beginning to think, maybe I’m Not meant to be a mother. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me I’m not suppose to be a mommy. And it hurts. 

I have this battle going on in my head. One voice telling me don’t give up. And one telling me it’s impossible and you’re not good enough to be a mom. I’m afraid I’m going to envy my friends who are mothers for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I’m going to lose who I am as a person if I can’t be a mother. 

I can admit that I go through phases of unreal confidence and crazy bad negativity. I guess that’s just the roller coaster of infertility. I’m beginning to see that for some that could be a lifelong ride. That some never get off. I just hope that’s not going to be us. 

Our pastor told us the other day to “praise through the pain.” And I know I should be. I just don’t know if I can. I feel so physically weak. I feel so undeserving. But this quote keeps popping into my mind. A chapter in a book I read a while back, “Our God is not a Punishing God.” I want to hold onto that. I want to believe that. And more so, accept that. 

So, Please pray for me. Please pray for my husband. I am so lost again. I feel so guilty. Please pray for this hurt we’re going through. Pray for perseverance, particularly for me, I’m not afraid to beg you for these things! Please pray for (our) my Infertility. Thank you. 

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2 thoughts on “This hurts like Hell!

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I truly am. I could have written every word of this six years ago. All I can say is that I’m thinking of you, and whatever happens, whatever way it goes, you do get through it. And no matter which way it goes, it does change who you are as a person, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

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