Sooo…yeah. It’s been a while.
Been working hard to shift my attention and energy elsewhere these last few months. Thought I was doing good there for a long while. I feel as though I have been fighting off these negative thoughts and emotions pretty successfully these days. I even got a promotion at work and basically spent every waking hour pouring my energy into readjusting to those changes. Working on making healthy changes in my life. But this week was hard. It feels like everyone I’m surrounded by is pregnant.
Everyone at work keeps saying, “don’t drink the water!”
I’m over here like, “I’ll drink it! Heck, I’ll bathe in it! Lemme have it All!”
But seriously, there are now five women at my work who are pregnant…plus one that just had a baby, like four weeks ago.
Oh and my neighbor is pregnant…who never waned kids and is Ashamed…!
I mean, Seriously?!
It’s like actual torture.
I’ve been feeling more stressed, anxious, and overall emotional recently and I’m not happy about it.
I am waiting on other doctors appointments for all these other issues I have before we can go back to ttc. And on top of that I can’t even decide if we should go back to the RE, I mean right now. Part of me feels like I am suppose to be waiting on a sign from God before we go back.
See I have this fantasy that if I wait until it feels like God is sending us back to the RE than it will actually work! The IUI or IVF will take and we’ll get pregnant. Plus, on top of trying to make this decision AND handling all my other medical issues, the hubby and I are in this small group at church and we are studying finances.
To be specific we are studying IWBNIN, which is all about cutting back expenses, getting rid of debt, and saving money. So how does this have anything to do with ttc?
Well, we HAVE to use a credit card to pay for these treatments. Otherwise we would never be able to do any of it. So now I have this guilt about wanting to put us in more debt when we’re suppose to be trying to cutting debt out of our lives completely and learn how to Save our money.
So, what do I do? How do I process all of this without feeling like my heart is in my throat?! I’m so exhausted from trying so hard for so long. We had a nice break through the holidays, no ttc related stress, for the most part… So, now that it’s looking like we could go back to the RE at any time I’m feeling all of that emotion and anxiety pop right back into my mind…and my stomach.
How do I respond in an appropriate way to these negative thoughts? These fears? And this very familiar exhaustion…?