Back on the Roller Coaster

So I found this quote the other day.

 “It’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. Making you feel weak and tired. And yet you can’t even sleep ’cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It’s almost a sadness you can’t escape.” 
So this quote is PRETTY accurate except I would like to change up a few of the words…it “leaves your heart aching,” yes. But your stomach feels more like a punch to the gut that leaves you unable to eat for weeks, therefore, slowly starving you to death.It is the, very literal, physical pain that drills the negativity and true hurt into your mind. It makes you feel like you’re being punished for something terrible you did in a past life. Something so horrible death was not a “good” enough punishment. Instead the big man upstairs thought it would be more appropriate to torture you for years…to make you feel less than. To make you think so negatively about yourself that you start questioning if life is even worth living anymore.

 I know I can’t be the only woman who has thought about throwing herself into oncoming traffic because life’s not worth living if you can’t bare children. Don’t worry I’m not actually going to do that…I struggled with depression as a teenager and refuse to let myself sink so low ever again. But it has been a bit of a battle for me in recent months. 

That’s actually the reason I’ve been kind of MIA from my site recently. I have been focusing my energy and down time to shift my mind to a more positive state. It has been working well, thusfar. I have been researching infertility scriptures, positive and insprirational quotes, and trying to shift my attitude and outlook on my life. I figure if I start living my life with focus on pleasing God and spreading His love than only good things can come of it. So far, I have a good track record with these changes…nothing is perfect but my attitude on the not so good things has slowly been improving. 

What I have learned is that my God is not a Punishing God. That my King works for the good of those who love Him. This is a difficult journey we face. But that’s exactly what we must do. Face it. 

About a year and a half ago the hubby and I decided to start TTC. I started taking an OTC women’s daily vitamin and immediately began having pregnancy dreams. It was not a prenatal so it was a very odd side effect! I must admit that it felt wonderful, although slightly overwhelming. Today when I think about those dreams, which still feel so real, I am left with mixed emotions. 

I specifically remember in this dream, I was sitting up in my bed, looking down at my pregnant belly and I could just feel that I was glowing. Thinking about that beautiful dream, now brings a smile to my face initially. But, then, it brings a tear to my eye. So yeah, maybe this dream was a side effect of the vitamin I was taking. Or maybe it was a sort of premonition. I can’t say for sure. However, I believe that right now, He is working in me. He is working to prepare me to be a mom. Yes, some days it hurts to think that the Lord our God feels I’m not ready yet. But I think what he really feels is that He’s not finished with me yet. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t make a good mom today or that I would’ve have been unprepared last week. I think this means He is waiting for just the right time in my and my husband’s life. 

Proof of this timing? The hubby and I finally got Baptized! Ive always heard that God’s timing is always PERFECT. Slowly, I’m understanding this-well accepting this. There is no understanding God.

 He is beyond our comprehension. His plans are so perfect. Learning this lesson has taught me to hold on to my Faith. The faith I have been so desperately clinging to throughout this journey. And now? Now that I’ve strengthened my faith (though it is not as strong as it Should be yet) God has shown us an amazing glimmer of Hope! 

Last month we finally went back to see the fertility doctor, Dr. S. I got my HSG done with all normal and promising results! Although this does mean my infertility is still pretty much unexplainable, my doctor has done a good job of helping me understand it and given the hubby and I some Hope! 

He broke it down to explain that my menstrual cycles are abnormally long, and therefore make it difficult to time ovulation. Actually almost impossible to time my ovulation. So, where do we go from here?

Well we force my body to ovulate when we want it to…Kind of. What I’m saying is we move forward with IUI. Eeekk!!! Right?

Right!

Seriously though, I am very excited! Because the hubby and I have FINALLY come to a decision/agreement on the next step. So, now we wait! 

You all know the drill. We wait on my next menstruation. I call them on day one. We go in for demonstration and get started on the meds! Yaaaayyy!!! I swear, I have never looked more forward to starting my period before in my life! Like nothing comes close! Also, I’ve never looked more forward to starting medicine/injections!

Obviously you can tell my mindset and outlook has changed tremendously in the last few months. I haven’t had a “bad day” in a while and that feels really good. I have been able to feel excited about pregnancy again and the possibility of starting our family in a matter of weeks. Don’t worry I have not allowed myself to jump to conclusions or lose grip on my reality. I’m fully aware there can be other complications throughout each step of the infertility process. I have not started buying baby clothes or anything like that. I swear! I’m just allowing myself to feel GOOD about my family’s future and looking ahead with a positive attitude again. So, I guess changing your attitude really can change your life. Sure, it may be small changes. And I may take weeks or even months to start feeling those changes. But, things Are Changing. And that is great motivation and inspiration. 

Now I should have an Update for you to follow in a few weeks! Wish is luck, keep us in your prayers, please and thank you. 

Talking myself off the ledge.

So today is the day my friend has her baby. She is probably being born as I write this…I am filled with mixed emotions. But I hate that bc it should just be one emotion, happy or excited, for my friends as they welcome such a precious miracle into this world.

But I’m hurting. I am fighting these thoughts so much right now…and believe it or not, I feel a little bit stronger today than I did yesterday..each day’s starts to feel easier to get through. But then something happens and my emotions get the best of me, and I’m crying he whole way home again…SHOCKER! But I will try to take things one steps at a time and process things individually verses all at once. It can’t hurt to try a different coping mechanism…right?

Trying hard

These last two weeks have been rough. I prayed on Sunday and asked God to take over the stressors in my life. I decided to give it all up to Him. But…I have had a hard time actually doing that this week. I have been tremendously stressed out about multiple different situations in my life right now. I have decided to go to battle with the Evil spirits waging war against me in my own head. Negative thoughts and constant self criticism have gotten the best of me more often than not this week. I am doing a lot of deep breathing, sleeping, praying, and crying lately. And today has been no different. 

Today I got to listen to a pregnant woman complaining about how her boyfriend is too sweet and too cheesy…REAALLLY??!! #STFU 

Then, I got to listen to a 21 year old “Christian” party girl complain about how tired she has been because she “had to go out late” every night to “show her friend around Charleston…” B**** ain’t no sights to see at midnight! 

And finally I got to hear the exciting news about how ANOTHER lady I work with is pregnant…I was actually doing very well with that news (at least much better than I used to since I’ve been reminding my self constantly to give up those thoughts to God-clearly I’m doing a great job lately) #sarcasticmuch

Unntill, my friend decided to say, ” uh oh you know what that means…it happens in threes!”  REALLY?!?! What makes you think that is okay to say to me, in FRONT OF EVERYONE, so Now Everyone thinks it’s okay to ask me if I’m pregnant! SERIOUSLY?! If this is The big man upstairs testing me than I am…drowning, slowly drowning. 

To top this day off I have had a migraine since last Friday! That is a full week. And finally today it has made me feel so physically sick and anxious I have been extremely neaseaus all day.  I can’t even write anything else because I feel like I’m about to get sick. So goodbye, thanks for letting me vent. 

#EpicFailure 

Adulting Is Hard!

I won’t say, “it seems like yesterday that I was gossiping with my girlfriends in the school lunch room about who was dating who.” But I will say that it feels all too real, as I am sitting in my own home, with my husband and (fur)babies, talking with my girlfriend about the problems she is having with her marriage.

 She just recently revealed to me, her husband admitted he was unhappy in their marriage, months ago, and said he doesn’t feel like he loves her anymore…

What do you say when one of your best friends asks you, “What do you do when your husband looks at you like he hates you?” 

My answer, You Fight. 

You fight for your marriage and you do not take those vows you made lightly. 

However, my answer is not why I’m writing this or what I’m trying to get out. 

I am more focused on the shocker it is to me that I’m a grown up now…I know that sounds ridiculous but you get my point. The fact that my friends are struggling in their marriage, my husband and I are trying to start our family, I am trying to find a job that pays real money even though I can’t decide on a career still…I am thinking about starting my own small business. I am recommending realtors and financial advisors to multiple different friends. I’m throwing baby showers and hosting parties in my home. 

It definitely makes you long for the days your biggest concern was what to wear on your first day back to school! 

It’s so true what they say these days, Adulting Is Hard! 

I hate that my friend is having such a hard time in her marriage. It definitely puts things into perspective for me. It makes me appreciate my hubby and all that he does for me that much more.  It’s hard to fathom what it would be like for my husband to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore. I guess I should be thankful for that. But this whole, being a grown up thing is all too real some days. I guess we all have our issues and troubles in our lives. Struggling with infertility, deciding on a career, and DIY-ing the mess out of ourselves in our new home is all very eye opening, very exciting and absolutely terrifying! I realize it’s a big world we live in and in comparison these problems may seems smaller for some people and bigger for others. But all of these recent life events happening both in my life and the lives of those close to me have definitely opened my eyes to what it means to have faith, not taking time for granted, and that making the most of our time in this life should be at the top of our priorities list. 

Happy Mother’s Day…?

So it’s been a few weeks since our (first) visit to Dr. S. (the fertility specialist).  In my last post I mentioned my hubby’s struggle with the idea of fertility treatment and his lack of interest in making any decisions. Since then he has been more open to discussing our options and starting the process of making the right decision together. It seems he just needed some time to process everything and while he may still be struggling with deciding on What He Thinks is best for us (as am I) he IS thinking about it. Which is a good start to me. So this is great news! 

I cannot blame him for struggling with a decision. Afterall this is probably he biggest decision we’ll ever have to make. It is not something we are taking lightly. (Also because there is nothing Cheap about the fertility treatment journey)! Therefore, I am also struggling to make a decision. I want to respect my husbands feelings and opinions but I also want us to be on the same page with this decision and so far we cannot come to an agreement. I worry that he is looking at this from the wrong perspective, either the money side of it or the…egotistical side of it, as a man.

Let me clarify this for you. See my hubby feels I just need the injectable meds to give my body the push it needs to ovulate correctly and I feel as though if we’re going to do any fertility treatment why not just go with the more likely option of getting pregnant of the two choices. I say two choices because we did both agree that IVF was not the path for us, at least not at this point. So we are left with Injections and/or IUI. I want to do both as it increases our chances by like 40% and he wants to just do the meds and try the “old fashion way (for lack of a better term). 

Obviously this means we need to have another conversation about this. I am concerned he is thinking it’s an extra $650 he doesn’t want to spend AND he doesn’t want to have to give another a sperm sample, as he told me how “weird” it was when he had to do that…which I can appreciate! 

Hell, I’ve told y’all in previous posts I didn’t think I’d be able to go through with an IUI because it seems like it would feel too unnatural to me. But that was also when the idea of fertility treatments, in general, felt so surreal! So basically we still haven’t decided anything BUT we are talking about it, which feels pretty wonderful. I am currently trying to work on not rushing myself or us into making any decisions about this but it’s hard when I hear that I could be pregnant in a month or two if we go through with one of these! 

Not to mention, today was a little difficult. At church this morning we “celebrated” Mother’s Day. And I (along with all the other INfertile myrtles in our church) was reminded of just how painful this day can be! I mean literally our Pastor (actually his wife spoke) so She actually said, “there are some women who find this day painful and difficult.” So yeah, literally reminded of that pain you feel when you really think about your infertility and ttc struggle. But it feels good knowing the hubby and I are in this together and that such a difficult experience is actually going to strengthen our marriage. It’s definitely working on strengthening me, as a woman, a wife, and a future parent. 

I kept thinking this morning in church, “I can’t do this.” Just over and over again that negativity replayed in my head all morning, through the whole service. There were a couple times I thought about picking up my things and walking out of that door. I cried a lot this morning. I cried when she spoke about women being raised to strive for perfection. I cried when they sang a song and played a video from a mothers point of view of her kids. It was Very Difficult and extremely Painful to sit through. BUT I did. My hubby held me and I cried. But I did it. I listened to her words and I listened to the message. And I truly believe I am going to be Okay. And I am finally starting to feel calm. Calmness about infertility. Calmness about uncertainty and the lack of answers. And it feels good. I’m not completely over it. And I will cry about this journey again. But, as I said, I am working on myself now and my attitude down this long, winding, bumpy road. And I might even dare say I feel somewhat thankful. 

Today was a good day.

Okay! Here we go! 

Today was a good day, friends! Today was our first appointment with the Fertility Specialist. Let me start from the beginning. A friend I work with has been through the infertility journey twice now. (And by that I mean they’ve had two babies both with the help of fertility treatments). So, after talking with her over the last four months (since my PCOS diagnosis) she recommended we take a short little trip to the fertility doctor they used and just get a feel for how it works, what our options are, and what would be best for us. So, today we finally did it.

I was definitely a little nervous. I was sure, as I was sitting in the waiting room, that it would just feel surreal. I was a little worried about what the doctor would be like and wether or not I would even like him. I was very unsure about the whole thing!

But all went well!

Better than well actually. The Dr. (Let’s call him Dr. S) was ridiculously nice and so easy to talk to. He made us feel Good about being there (which is a HUGE deal, as anyone struggling with infertility already knows)! Most importantly to us, he made everything super easy to understand. He went over all the different types of infertility and treatment options. He got our histories and answered all our questions. (He even answered questions I couldn’t think of and before I even had a chance to ask the ones I did think of).

Also, the hubby got his little swimmers checked out and passed with flying colors! Yay! One less thing to worry about!

So now we are left with our options! Obviously, we have all the time we want to make up our minds. But there is so much paperwork involved and so much reading to do. Thankfully, I got mostly all the reading done already!

However, the hubby has yet to talk with me about all of this. He seemed to feel okay about everything while speaking with Dr. S. but afterwards didn’t have a lot to say. I’m hoping this is just because this all happened during our work week and maybe he just hasn’t had the time or energy to really digest everything so far. Thankfully, it is time for the weekend to begin which hopefully means time for us to have a real conversation about all of this.

Obviously, I am excited about our options due to the simple fact that we actually have options! And due to the fact that Dr. S. seemed so optimistic about our possibilities! I actually got even better news. Dr. S.  believes my PCOS diagnosis is most likely inaccurate. As I’ve told you all before, I have none of the typical symptoms of a woman with PCOS. Refer to my previous post; “I Have PCOS But I Am Different.” He feels as though (according to my symptoms and medical history) I may simply have a few low hormone levels which may be due to (or partially due to) my lower-side-of-average BMI.

It felt wonderful to speak with a doctor who so quickly understood all of my symptoms and could basically predict what I was going to say about my medical history! It was such a relief to know that I’m not a big wimp when it comes to my painful menstrual cycles and that perhaps there is an actual reason my cycles last so long. And perhaps That is the reason my ovulation is unpredictable which is why we have had trouble conceiving! I know this all may not sound like much to some of you but for us it was a huge breath of fresh air!

Hell, just knowing there is a medical explanation for our struggle is so relieving!

Well I’m Feeling Nauseas again.

Okay, let me start by telling you how horrible my work day was yesterday. Every one at work found out about my friend/coworker’s unexpected pregnancy. And Everyone was doting over her all freakin’ day. I had to go to the bathroom and cry at like 8:30 in the morning because my friend responded to someone’s comment, “…I never really wanted kids so yeah at first it (the pregnancy) was hard to get used to.” 

Now, anyone that reads my posts is probably already aware that this comment set me off (refer to previous post about things pregnant women should stop saying). Which leads me to my first thing in the morning, bathroom cry. Let me tell you, this was not a cute little tear drop rolling down my cheek as I batted my eyes. No, this was full on ugly crying and sobbing, with tissues in the nose and red-faced by the end of it all, crying. 

I know, I know! What an ugly picture! 

So that was my morning. And basically fighting the tears while on the job the rest of the day. I had to make myself leave the room that she was in any time someone talked to her. And bc of my “luck” I ended up working with just her most of the day! 

But I did it! I fought the tears the rest of the day…until about 4 o’clock when I decided I was done for the day. I could not take any more ooohing and awing over her. So I left early. 

I held it together until I got about half way home…that’s when the hubby called me. He was talking about what a bad day he had and how exhausted he was. I told him, “I know it. I had a bad day too.” 

But did he listen? No. 

Does he ever Really listen? Not really. 

BUT that’s okay. Because I called him again when I was almost home and he could tell I had been crying. (Crying in the car and screaming out terrible things like, “They don’t deserve it!” “What did I do to deserve this?!” “We did everything right!!!” ecetera ecetera).

I know, I sound like a horrible person for saying those things about my “friend.” But before you judge me, just take into account I was having a bad day. And I do love my friend and would never wish anything negative or bad upon her. 

I’m just green with envy and red with angry jealousy. So, yeah, not in a very good mental place right now. Don’t get me wrong, I have not let my friend onto the fact I’m upset over her happy news. I’m not that bad of a friend. And that’s part of the reason I’m writing about this, because I feel so damn guilty for feeling these awful things and having these awful thoughts! 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware these feelings are normal for anyone struggling with ttc. I hate that I’m on this emotional roller coaster ride. I hate that I can’t share this with someone close to me. But I’m just not ready to do that yet. I have a couple friends who know about our struggle but this experience can make you feel so isolated! I hate that! I hate that I’m doing this to myself! I hate that I have low days. I hate that I have such negative thoughts. But it’s all part of the ride, right?

So, what do I do now? Well, I suck it up for now. I move on to the next day with a positive attitude and good vibes. I work on accepting these things that I cannot change.  And I cry. I cry whenever I want and for however long I want. I cry in my hubby’s arms until I feel like I can’t possibly cry anymore. 

I cried that night when I got home. I cried myself out, to the point I had no energy left and no desire to use any brain power the rest of the night. I think that this was one of my lowest days ever. I think my hubby could feel that. 

He was so wonderful. He didn’t try to talk me out of my feelings. He didn’t ask me to stop crying. He didn’t tell me, “everything will be alright” or “everything happens for a reason.” He just held me. He took care of me and just loved me. 

If there is anything I can take away from this it is that my marriage is Strong. My husband is amazing. And we are learning every day together, how to deal with this struggle. I can be thankful for that at the very least.  And I am beyond thankful for him, always. 

I will continue to pray. I will continue to cry. And we will not stop trying. 

I will also continue to write/vent as much as I need to. I am thankful for this online community and every one of you that reads my posts. It has been a big part of my journey through PCOS and TTC and I will forever be thankful for that.

Until next time…

Please stop saying this aloud!

Please keep in mind that this post is written out of frustration with my own body and not any one else’s. And I fully understand every one has every right to say what ever they desire to their friends and family. However, this blog is my place to vent and today I really need to vent! So here goes…

Things I wish pregnant women would stop saying out loud:

“It’s crazy, I Never even wanted kids but now (insert happy feelings here). ”

“Omg! And we weren’t even trying!” 

“I guess we’re just fertile myrtles!” 

“I’m pregnant with number (insert obnoxious number of kids here).” 

“Oh, it will happen for you!” 

“You guys have just got to relax and you’ll get pregnant in no time.”

“Can you believe we’re having Twins?!” 

“We waited to tell you bc…(insert whatever reason here).” 

That’s all I have for now, comment if you want some thing added to my list! I’m sure I’m forgetting some!

I Feel Nauseas…

First off let me start by prefacing this with the question, Does it make me a terrible friend if…

I am mad that my friend got pregnant without trying. (Obviously I’m not mad at her and I would never tell her that I was bc it’s my own problem not hers). 

I am mad that my friend is still a little in denial that she’s pregnant. (She had a look of horror on her face when she saw her baby in the ultrasound machine for the first time…) I don’t know why exactly but her look of fear bothered me so much. 

I am bothered by the fact that she isn’t going to the doctor like she should be during her pregnancy. 

And it upsets me that she is so scared.

I know that she has every right to feel those feelings and that she was in a totally different place in her life when they found out the were pregnant. And I Hate that I’m feeling this way. But o think today is just one of those days for me. 

We have a lot going on at home and financially that is stressing me out and making me wonder if Now is the right time for us to try IUI. I am not where I wanted to be career wise in life and that is very stressful for me. 

And if I’m being Brutally honest with you guys, I’m afraid that without being a mom, I won’t know who I am as a person. Like, don’t get me wrong I know what makes me happy in my life as is but there has never been anything in my life that I greatly excelled at or enjoyed so much that I thought I could turn it into a successful career. And I fully understand that having a job does not define you. But not having a job I feel good about all the time, sometimes makes me feel worthless and useless. Bc I do a job anybody could do, whether I accel at it or not, doesn’t make me feel better about it. 

I also know that realistically we could never afford a comfortable lifestyle with children if I stay at the job I’m at now. We can barely make it through the month with just two mouths to feed…I also feel bad because I think I sometimes make my husband feel like it’s all up to him to make enough money for our family. A lot of the times I catch myself saying, “man I wish you made enough money so I could be a stay at home mom.” And then on the other side of it I feel like the money problem is all my fault because I make diddly squat for income and I don’t have a degree (I basically wasted five years worth of student loans on college for nothing) and I can’t get a “real job.” 

So I gues to sum this all up. I feel like Crap today and am basically just going to be freaking out all day! Yippee…so basically I’m just plain envious of my friend. And I should probably stop thinking this way, but for now I’m going to wallow just a little.

“It will help,” they said.

Sooo, my last post I talked about my history of migraines and some other medical tragedies that are My Life. Tonight is yet another late night to sleep bc I cannot sleep without a low dose anti-depressant. And unfortunately with the migraine(s) I’ve had lately the doctor is trying this muscle relaxer (which means no anti-depressant)…it’s supposed to make you extremely drowsy! 

“Make sure you’re home when you take it!” They said. 

“It will make you extremely drowsy!” They said.

“It should help with the migraines too.” They said. 

Well…They lied. I said. 

I tried taking it for my neck and back pain (the reason the prescribed it, the reason I get some of my migraines)…I figured, “Hey I’ll take it before bed. I won’t have to take my anti-depressant. I’m going to get some awesome sleep…” 

I thought wrong. Because they lied. 

It’s been an hour and a half since I’ve taken it. It has done nothing BUT make my migraine WORSE and make me dizzy. AND unfortunately, I actually feel More Awake than before! 

They’re liars. 

And They suck…

And on top of that, my neck pain is still there! I don’t like Flexeril. I don’t like insomnia. And I really Hate my Migraines. 

Now let’s see how long it is going to take me to fall asleep….(she said wincing in pain).