I don’t know how to start this. But here goes…

Well, it’s been a LONG TIME since I’ve written anything. So long in fact that I am in my second trimester now…yep, I’m pregnant! Wow. So here’s the thing, I’m not writing this to brag about my excitement. I am blessed enough to have friends and family in my life to celebrate with. I am writing this because I want to figure out the best ways that I can be helpful to women Still going through it. I still want to be able to support those women who are still afraid to open their newsfeed for fear of pregnancy announcements. I want to help support those women who are still having timed intercourse and taking pregnancy tests every single month.

My husband and I went through it for two and a half years. Alone. It’s was by far the hardest thing I’ve EVER gone through in my life. But I’m no idiot. I know there are Couples out there who have been living in that hell for ten years and even more. I know there are women out there who have finally accepted they will never be able to carry a child themselves. I realize my story is not unique and I’m okay with that. I realize my story is not the most unfortunate and for that I am blessed.

The fact is that we got pregnant so unexpectantly, at a time when I had FINALLY begun to accept the truth (That we have no choice but to wait on Gods timing and That is Okay). And in all the excitement and tears and fear, there have been moments where I realize I’m acting as though I didn’t just experience some of the worst pain of my life in waiting for this miracle. There have been times when I feel guilty for completely ignoring the past and the pain that so many women are still experiencing all around me. I tell you what, it is hard to figure out if I deserve to enjoy this without worrying about what others are feeling or if I’m being completely hypocritical and rude for posting my pregnancy announcement on Facebook without some kind of CAUTIONARY HEADLINE before it!

Now, I’m well aware that women struggling with infertility are not oblivious to the fact that life continues to go on around them. I know that no one is out there with some poster sized printout of my head, throwing darts at it, because I got pregnant before them!! But I also know that sometimes that exactly what you want to do…and it’s allowed for us to feel that way (just please don’t act on that one)! Lol!

So here I am left wondering, ” What can I do to help women struggling through TTC and infertility?” Because, even though, I’m now “one of the lucky ones” I can still remember the pain, anxiety, self-hate, and all the tears!! I mean My Gosh, there were So. Many. Tears. There were days I am positive I actually ran out of tears to cry. And nights I used every last ounce of energy I had crying I couldn’t even function after that.

So, what does all my rambling on about this stuff mean? It means I need your help! I need advice, words of wisdom, ideas from women who are still struggling and women who have been in my situation…What can I do to help you?! I need your stories, your ideas, things you’ve done that helped, what really doesn’t help, whatever info you’re willing to offer up. I know this is asking a lot in some ways but I don’t know all the details I just want to know, What you wish you had, what you wish you could tell people, what you wish people would say…or stop saying!

Here is what I’m thinking about:

I want to start at my church. I have kept it no secret I am a Believer and my religion and my church are what helped get me through the depression that comes with tttc and infertility. Plus  It is a big church and I know there are women all around me in my community I could reach through my church. I am thinking about doing some of these things:

1. Sharing Our story (My husband and I’s)

2. Researching support groups/projects/lifelines out there for women like us all

3. Sharing this info with women, offering them with coping mechanisms and all the options for emotional support and mental health I can find

4. GET PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT INFERTILITY!

I think 4. Is going to be the best thing I can do and hardest thing as well. But I believe it needs to start happening! 

So there it is. Let me know what you think…please be kind I’m super nervous about this idea!! 😬🤞🏻

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How do you? 

How do you keep yourself from hating? How do you feel when you see people living in sin who become pregnant at the drop of a hat? How do you react to that news? 

To me it feels like being stabbed in the heart and then somebody twists it in further and rips it back out.

That’s how it feels. 

A very young woman I work with just found out she’s pregnant. Her and her boyfriend live together…out of wedlock. My homosexual coworker is pregnant with their second child…

Why? 

Why? 

What did I do that was so wrong? 

What did we do that was so horrible? 

How do I move on from yet another slide down the mountain? 

I don’t know how. I don’t know when. I just don’t know how to feel anymore. 

Dear God I’m broken 

Dear God,

I am broken and I cannot be repaired. I beg you to take this desire away from me. Because I cannot do this anymore. I am not strong enough. This is not my story. I am broken and cannot be repaired. Inside me hurts. I can’t take the pain. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I need to let this go. I want you to take this out of my heart. I want something new to grow in it’s place. Something my body can actually do. I cannot do this any more. I am not strong enough. I don’t want this pain anymore. I want this all to go away. I want this chapter to close on my life. I want to escape this world, this world of hurt and disappointment. I don’t want this anymore. I understand that I don’t deserve this. I’m sorry for wasting your time God. I don’t want this hurt anymore. I can’t do this any more. Please God I’m begging you to take this off my heart and give my husband the love he deserves. I am broken and don’t know if I can love myself enough right now. I don’t know if I want love right now. I am guilty of being selfish and silly. Silly to believe that I could do this. 

I am broken.

“Don’t drink the water…” Or do. 

Sooo…yeah. It’s been a while. 

Been working hard to shift my attention and energy elsewhere these last few months. Thought I was doing good there for a long while. I feel as though I have been fighting off these negative thoughts and emotions pretty successfully these days. I even got a promotion at work and basically spent every waking hour pouring my energy into readjusting to those changes. Working on making healthy changes in my life. But this week was hard. It feels like everyone I’m surrounded by is pregnant. 

Everyone at work keeps saying, “don’t drink the water!”

 I’m over here like, “I’ll drink it! Heck, I’ll bathe in it! Lemme have it All!”

But seriously, there are now five women at my work who are pregnant…plus one that just had a baby, like four weeks ago. 

Oh and my neighbor is pregnant…who never waned kids and is Ashamed…!

I mean, Seriously?! 

It’s like actual torture. 

I’ve been feeling more stressed, anxious, and overall emotional recently and I’m not happy about it. 

I am waiting on other doctors appointments for all these other issues I have before we can go back to ttc. And on top of that I can’t even decide if we should go back to the RE, I mean right now. Part of me feels like I am suppose to be waiting on a sign from God before we go back. 

See I have this fantasy that if I wait until it feels like God is sending us back to the RE than it will actually work! The IUI or IVF will take and we’ll get pregnant. Plus, on top of trying to make this decision AND handling all my other medical issues, the hubby and I are in this small group at church and we are studying finances. 

To be specific we are studying IWBNIN, which is all about cutting back expenses, getting rid of debt, and saving money. So how does this have anything to do with ttc? 

Well, we HAVE to use a credit card to pay for these treatments. Otherwise we would never be able to do any of it. So now I have this guilt about wanting to put us in more debt when we’re suppose to be trying to cutting debt out of our lives completely and learn how to Save our money. 

So, what do I do? How do I process all of this without feeling like my heart is in my throat?! I’m so exhausted from trying so hard for so long. We had a nice break through the holidays, no ttc related stress, for the most part… So, now that it’s looking like we could go back to the RE at any time I’m feeling all of that emotion and anxiety pop right back into my mind…and my stomach. 

How do I respond in an appropriate way to these negative thoughts? These fears? And this very familiar exhaustion…? 

This hurts like Hell!

So my IUI was a little over a week ago. And I’ve had a migraine since the day after. It’s been an 11 day migraine. 

And know the stress has gotten to me. I’ve started my period. I feel like I’ve already lost ALL the powerful hope I had just a few days ago. Despite the migraine, I was doing a good job about staying positive about the likelihood of pregnancy. I was definitely stressed about POSSIBLY having a migraine for nine months straight. But now it’s looking like I am Not pregnant, yet again. And now I’m just completely depressed. 

How do you not go into a state of depression every single time you take a negative test? Seriously??  Or every time your period shows up when you don’t want it to? I really thought we had a Real Chance. Now I feel completely defeated. I realize there is still a small chance I’m pregnant. But I can’t help but fall straight tonrock bottom at this devastating realization-I mean they’ve been determining “Not Pregnant” for centuries simply by knowing women had their period- there weren’t always sticks to pee on…it probably doesn’t help I took a HPT about two days ago and it was negative. 

But I even did a good job about not letting that bother me, like at all, bc I knew it was still early. But let’s be real, is there really any denying the red blooded truth?! (Sorry that was gross- But I don’t really care at this point). 

I don’t understand how couples go through this for five and TEN years?! I honestly might would strangle myself before being capable of dealing with that Awful Idea of just holding onto Hope for So Long. 

And you want to know the worst part about it? I thought we were doing it all right. We were focusing our time and energy on others. We got baptized and were investing in our church and community. And not bc we thought it’s what we had to do. Or bc it’s what we thought we should do. We did it all to really try to become better people. So that we would be the best parents we could be! And we won’t stop doing it all. But it hurts. 

I just don’t know if I can keep doing THIS…bc THIS hurts. THIS physically hurts. I want to give up. And I totally realize this COULD be all a little premature- I don’t get the BPT until this Tuesday. But I’m having an impossible time believing THIS Can be happening when all signs point to a BFN! 

What do you do now?? How do you hold onto hope? Even for just a few more days??? How do you avoid the “What If” questions even for just FOUR MORE Days?!?!  

I’m hurting. So much. I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do now, or…next? How do I get out of this depression? Its happening so fast. I feel somewhat guilty for giving up at the first sign of failure. But it’s not my first rodeo. I’ve been here before and it’s been the same outcome each time. 

I mean isn’t the definition of crazy: doing the same thing over and over again and still expecting different results? 

I’m hurting so much. And the hardest part is that I feel like there is nothing anyone can say to help me. I feel like I’m pushing the hubby away and he doesn’t know how to help me. I feel like he doesn’t understand and he never could. I feel pain. I feel failure. I feel defeat. I feel like a quitter. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m never going to accomplish anything in life, including the most important thing in the world to me. 

I’m afraid of never being able to look in the mirror at my pregnant belly. I fear never feeling a baby kick me from the inside. I fear never being the mom I’ve always known I was born to be. We’ve been going through this for so long I’m beginning to think, maybe I’m Not meant to be a mother. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me I’m not suppose to be a mommy. And it hurts. 

I have this battle going on in my head. One voice telling me don’t give up. And one telling me it’s impossible and you’re not good enough to be a mom. I’m afraid I’m going to envy my friends who are mothers for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I’m going to lose who I am as a person if I can’t be a mother. 

I can admit that I go through phases of unreal confidence and crazy bad negativity. I guess that’s just the roller coaster of infertility. I’m beginning to see that for some that could be a lifelong ride. That some never get off. I just hope that’s not going to be us. 

Our pastor told us the other day to “praise through the pain.” And I know I should be. I just don’t know if I can. I feel so physically weak. I feel so undeserving. But this quote keeps popping into my mind. A chapter in a book I read a while back, “Our God is not a Punishing God.” I want to hold onto that. I want to believe that. And more so, accept that. 

So, Please pray for me. Please pray for my husband. I am so lost again. I feel so guilty. Please pray for this hurt we’re going through. Pray for perseverance, particularly for me, I’m not afraid to beg you for these things! Please pray for (our) my Infertility. Thank you. 

IUI Post Procedure Crazies 

This past Sunday we had our IUI done…Yay! It’s a very unremarkable procedure but so very exciting at the same time. On our way to the appointment that morning I remember telling the hubby, ” You’re going to make me pregnant today.” Hahaha! We shared a little chuckle at that. I could tell he was nervous, or really just unenthusiastic about his part. But we had a conversation about how he THOUGHT it was awkward for him but he wasn’t the one on display every time we went in. I was the one up on the table, with legs open wide for doctor and nurse to see. Haha. (I’ve found that it’s easier to have humor in those awkward situations). Plus you have to remember they do this all day long, the doctors and nurses that is. It is nothing new for them and thankfully they are all extremely professional AND sweet throughout this journey. However, that is not what I want to talk about right now.

What I would like to discuss is my crazy, CRAZY emotions right now! The Gonal F injections stopped two days before the IUI. During those injections I noticed (actually my friend pointed out to me) that I was easily nauseated with any and every smell, very impatient, and very irritable. She got a good laugh about how easily I was becoming flustered about the littlest things. She (having been through this journey herself) also helped me realize why I was so forgetful…the hormones, obviously! THAT is what I want to talk about, the HORMONES! 

I mean good grief if these hormones haven’t swept me sideways and around the bend! SO FORGETFUL! And now just one and two days after the IUI so EMOTIONAL! I could cry at the drop of a hat! Thankfully, most often it’s been tears of joy and thankfulness. Not because I’m already 100% convinced in pregnant-No, definitely not. But because I’m realizing what a journey this has been, just up to this point and I’m recognizing how wonderful those in my life have been, who are aware we are trecking through this difficult path. I feel overwhelmed by every little thing right now. 

I know this roller coaster ride of emotions is due to all the hormones in my body right now but I’m just a little curious as to why they all showed up at once just the day after the IUI? Is this a coincidence? Is this typical for most women after the procedure? Is this from the Gonal F, Ovidrel, or IUI? I’m sure it’s the combination of the three plus my extremely high anxiety level right now. But would love to hear from other women if you had similar timing with these emotions and experiences? Let me know, so I can calm myself. Please! 

Exciting news. 

(So this was Written abt 2 weeks ago but I just never posted it). 

I will have another update on the Gonal f injections and ultrasounds soon (I.e. When we will get to do the IUI)!
So, I know I have been MIA for what seems like Months now! I apologize, sincerely. (Not that you guys LIVE to read my posts or anything) but I digress. 

We have been So very busy lately. The hubby and I have been making an effort to get more involved with our church. So we have been volunteering, studying our bibles and basically focusing our energy on helping others versus stressing about ttc. And it has definitely made a world of a difference! 

First off, my every waking thought has NOT been about babies! So that helps with the mood swings and anxiety…I also have not wanted to burst into tears every time I see a pregnant woman. And I have actually been thoroughly enjoying visiting with my friend and her, now two month old, baby! 

Also I have been doing this bible study series on infertility for the last month and a half and I really think it has helped my patience level tremendously! (Basically, I have never had any patience in my life for Anything)! But, lately I have been feeling much better about my family’s future and I believe that my studies and our sermons at church have all impacted me for the better. 

I have realized that we will have a family somehow, someday. It may not happen like I’ve pictured it for most of my life but we will be given the RIGHT opportunity to care for and love a child one day bc we are meant to be parents! And we will be darn good parents. 

I will say that my stress level has decreased in large part because of our fertility doctor. Honestly, he is just wonderful. Our team is so helpful. It is so nice to feel like people actually care about you and your dreams to have a baby. Their bedside manner is so impressive, thank God! 

Finally, the best news….the most exciting update I have for you guys is that I’m two days I start my Gonal F injections! I have already started the letrozole. I think that just getting started in this process is the best motivator. It feels like it took forever for this starting line to approach us. However, now that we have made a few new steps it is finally starting to feel real! 

Back on the Roller Coaster

So I found this quote the other day.

 “It’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. Making you feel weak and tired. And yet you can’t even sleep ’cause the sadness is in your dreams too. It’s almost a sadness you can’t escape.” 
So this quote is PRETTY accurate except I would like to change up a few of the words…it “leaves your heart aching,” yes. But your stomach feels more like a punch to the gut that leaves you unable to eat for weeks, therefore, slowly starving you to death.It is the, very literal, physical pain that drills the negativity and true hurt into your mind. It makes you feel like you’re being punished for something terrible you did in a past life. Something so horrible death was not a “good” enough punishment. Instead the big man upstairs thought it would be more appropriate to torture you for years…to make you feel less than. To make you think so negatively about yourself that you start questioning if life is even worth living anymore.

 I know I can’t be the only woman who has thought about throwing herself into oncoming traffic because life’s not worth living if you can’t bare children. Don’t worry I’m not actually going to do that…I struggled with depression as a teenager and refuse to let myself sink so low ever again. But it has been a bit of a battle for me in recent months. 

That’s actually the reason I’ve been kind of MIA from my site recently. I have been focusing my energy and down time to shift my mind to a more positive state. It has been working well, thusfar. I have been researching infertility scriptures, positive and insprirational quotes, and trying to shift my attitude and outlook on my life. I figure if I start living my life with focus on pleasing God and spreading His love than only good things can come of it. So far, I have a good track record with these changes…nothing is perfect but my attitude on the not so good things has slowly been improving. 

What I have learned is that my God is not a Punishing God. That my King works for the good of those who love Him. This is a difficult journey we face. But that’s exactly what we must do. Face it. 

About a year and a half ago the hubby and I decided to start TTC. I started taking an OTC women’s daily vitamin and immediately began having pregnancy dreams. It was not a prenatal so it was a very odd side effect! I must admit that it felt wonderful, although slightly overwhelming. Today when I think about those dreams, which still feel so real, I am left with mixed emotions. 

I specifically remember in this dream, I was sitting up in my bed, looking down at my pregnant belly and I could just feel that I was glowing. Thinking about that beautiful dream, now brings a smile to my face initially. But, then, it brings a tear to my eye. So yeah, maybe this dream was a side effect of the vitamin I was taking. Or maybe it was a sort of premonition. I can’t say for sure. However, I believe that right now, He is working in me. He is working to prepare me to be a mom. Yes, some days it hurts to think that the Lord our God feels I’m not ready yet. But I think what he really feels is that He’s not finished with me yet. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t make a good mom today or that I would’ve have been unprepared last week. I think this means He is waiting for just the right time in my and my husband’s life. 

Proof of this timing? The hubby and I finally got Baptized! Ive always heard that God’s timing is always PERFECT. Slowly, I’m understanding this-well accepting this. There is no understanding God.

 He is beyond our comprehension. His plans are so perfect. Learning this lesson has taught me to hold on to my Faith. The faith I have been so desperately clinging to throughout this journey. And now? Now that I’ve strengthened my faith (though it is not as strong as it Should be yet) God has shown us an amazing glimmer of Hope! 

Last month we finally went back to see the fertility doctor, Dr. S. I got my HSG done with all normal and promising results! Although this does mean my infertility is still pretty much unexplainable, my doctor has done a good job of helping me understand it and given the hubby and I some Hope! 

He broke it down to explain that my menstrual cycles are abnormally long, and therefore make it difficult to time ovulation. Actually almost impossible to time my ovulation. So, where do we go from here?

Well we force my body to ovulate when we want it to…Kind of. What I’m saying is we move forward with IUI. Eeekk!!! Right?

Right!

Seriously though, I am very excited! Because the hubby and I have FINALLY come to a decision/agreement on the next step. So, now we wait! 

You all know the drill. We wait on my next menstruation. I call them on day one. We go in for demonstration and get started on the meds! Yaaaayyy!!! I swear, I have never looked more forward to starting my period before in my life! Like nothing comes close! Also, I’ve never looked more forward to starting medicine/injections!

Obviously you can tell my mindset and outlook has changed tremendously in the last few months. I haven’t had a “bad day” in a while and that feels really good. I have been able to feel excited about pregnancy again and the possibility of starting our family in a matter of weeks. Don’t worry I have not allowed myself to jump to conclusions or lose grip on my reality. I’m fully aware there can be other complications throughout each step of the infertility process. I have not started buying baby clothes or anything like that. I swear! I’m just allowing myself to feel GOOD about my family’s future and looking ahead with a positive attitude again. So, I guess changing your attitude really can change your life. Sure, it may be small changes. And I may take weeks or even months to start feeling those changes. But, things Are Changing. And that is great motivation and inspiration. 

Now I should have an Update for you to follow in a few weeks! Wish is luck, keep us in your prayers, please and thank you. 

Talking myself off the ledge.

So today is the day my friend has her baby. She is probably being born as I write this…I am filled with mixed emotions. But I hate that bc it should just be one emotion, happy or excited, for my friends as they welcome such a precious miracle into this world.

But I’m hurting. I am fighting these thoughts so much right now…and believe it or not, I feel a little bit stronger today than I did yesterday..each day’s starts to feel easier to get through. But then something happens and my emotions get the best of me, and I’m crying he whole way home again…SHOCKER! But I will try to take things one steps at a time and process things individually verses all at once. It can’t hurt to try a different coping mechanism…right?

Trying hard

These last two weeks have been rough. I prayed on Sunday and asked God to take over the stressors in my life. I decided to give it all up to Him. But…I have had a hard time actually doing that this week. I have been tremendously stressed out about multiple different situations in my life right now. I have decided to go to battle with the Evil spirits waging war against me in my own head. Negative thoughts and constant self criticism have gotten the best of me more often than not this week. I am doing a lot of deep breathing, sleeping, praying, and crying lately. And today has been no different. 

Today I got to listen to a pregnant woman complaining about how her boyfriend is too sweet and too cheesy…REAALLLY??!! #STFU 

Then, I got to listen to a 21 year old “Christian” party girl complain about how tired she has been because she “had to go out late” every night to “show her friend around Charleston…” B**** ain’t no sights to see at midnight! 

And finally I got to hear the exciting news about how ANOTHER lady I work with is pregnant…I was actually doing very well with that news (at least much better than I used to since I’ve been reminding my self constantly to give up those thoughts to God-clearly I’m doing a great job lately) #sarcasticmuch

Unntill, my friend decided to say, ” uh oh you know what that means…it happens in threes!”  REALLY?!?! What makes you think that is okay to say to me, in FRONT OF EVERYONE, so Now Everyone thinks it’s okay to ask me if I’m pregnant! SERIOUSLY?! If this is The big man upstairs testing me than I am…drowning, slowly drowning. 

To top this day off I have had a migraine since last Friday! That is a full week. And finally today it has made me feel so physically sick and anxious I have been extremely neaseaus all day.  I can’t even write anything else because I feel like I’m about to get sick. So goodbye, thanks for letting me vent. 

#EpicFailure